Friday, October 17, 2008

Dare alla luce...

I may not know how to live without Mitch. I know full well that I never wanted to live without him. But now I must. Not without his sweet, beautiful, imprint embedded within me, or his deep engraved essence beside me. (As well as in the fantastic presence of amazing friends and family! What wonderful support!)

I have so many goals, desires, wishes, and dreams fluttering in my mind from fantastic conversations over warm embraces with my husband. I am withdrawn from them, but I am not at all without. God is good, he has a plan beyond pain, beyond grief, and beyond our worldly desires!

The Lord has blessed me with the most impeccable relationship I have ever known. Intricate, deep, insatiable… Now I navigate rapids without him. But God is good. He has a plan. He has a detailed, full, important itinerary for me. Just me… And individually you... Sometimes I seem to hate that, feel guilty of that, this, now. I must keep moving. Not away from Mitch, but with his memory in mind, hurt with the loss of promise.

I love him, I always will. My best friend, my confidante, my love, my protector, my provider; he is not mine, he never was. He was me, and I him. But the Lord stamped him with His seal, His ownership sticker on the dustcover of Mitch’s novel life. And what a beautiful story it is; my personal favorite that I will reread constantly. Anxiously I await an anticipated sequel written in the world of our reuniting. I feel beyond blessed to be apart of this story! What an honor. And the Lord designed it this way, for reasons I will not know on this side of eternity.

So here, with sadness and angst I contemplate goals. Nauseous with rivaled bitterness and fear I am disgusted with my fragile, yet persistent existence. For a reason I live. And I find gratitude in God's grace of it all, and joy in his beautiful promises! Through it my heart must find meaning. Not self-contrived meaning; an eternal purpose that affects the heavenly realms… A lasting effect that penetrates kingdom walls. (This latter excerpt seems quite depressed, forlorn and void of God’s thumb print on my life. It is merely a candid reflection of how my heart aches on in a whole facet of ways. Separate from my sadness is a deep, almost delightfully aching, washing of joy and gratitude. If, by any chance, someone that is experiencing loss of any kind is reading this I want them to know its o.k. to be sad, confused, and riddled with sporadic and spontaneous moments of verbal overflow. It is not to say that I don’t always acknowledge that God is good and above my emotions!)

Mitch's kind heart inspires me daily. He gave the time he was given to those around him... without ulterior motives... without desire of reciprocation... without pride... I'm blessed to know such an amazing example. I am proud. I would love to be more like him, as well as (as Mitch desired too!) more like HIM.

Sincere eyes frame Mitch’s genuine heart’s cry, “for the good of the Kingdom.” That is our Abba Father’s genuine selfless perpetuating will for our eternal mind’s eye, and urgent pursuit of our hearts. I want to live on the same motivation. Feasting on the substantial goodness of uniting souls with our Daddy!

Dare alla luce… Such a beautiful, eloquent phrase. Italian for “giving birth,” translates as "to give to the light.” Brilliant. I would like to offer this phrase to our Savior as well. He is the light. I want to give to Him. Joyfully labor (an oxymoron in juxtaposition, but a seamless bond in Jehovah-Rofe) kind under His benevolent guidance, birthing His will into this world in the presence of His glorious, warm, illumination.



Despite circumstances we can seek joy in the Lord... He will provide the dreams to our future. God has an intricate agenda for all of us. It is not at all a rigid list that we must check off, but a fluid, full, free screenplay that provides for enjoyment, fulfillment, and purpose. How sweet and brilliant He castes our roles, molds our characters but gives us freedom, choice, individuality. By no means are we puppets! We are not mindless drones! God directs our paths and allows for us to find happiness, joy, excitement. What a gift. Amidst it all He loves us individually and pursues to know each of us while refining us for the role of our lives. Living for Him and loving His people!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

The True Miracle...Complete Healing

God is so good. He has our best interests in mind, always. Beautiful things. Experiences that bless us, grow us, refine us. I, as well as the whole world, has something beautiful in our Mitchell.

In his articulate, brilliant, gorgeous words my sweet husband shares his heart with us all. He says through his resounding life of service, to live to the fullest extent, love the Lord with all we have, and to be joyful and gracious ALWAYS.

Mitch is the most wonderful man that I have ever known. I am confident in the fact that I have experienced more love than some do in their entire lifetime. For that I pray that all can have a taste of what I have had through my handsome groom by the strength of our Father.

I know that Mitch is in the most exquisite place imaginable... unattainable to our worldly minds. He is completely healed and dancing with our Daddy. He will always be in my heart as my best friend and husband. I am excited to someday worship our Maker together, hand in hand once again.

For now we take things a day at a time. Each breath I CHOOSE to live for the Lord, consciously thanking him for my Mitchell's life and the fact that I am so incredibly blessed to be his wife, his helpmate.

For now we live each day in the moment of worship we offer. Each breath I CHOOSE to honor my husband by honoring his wishes to use his life and incredible journey as a means to glorify our gracious Lord.

We love you Mitch... so much. Our Father loves you even more. You are now where we belong. And I am eternally grateful.

Praise Him from whom all blessings flow...
Praise Him all creatures here below...
Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts...
Praise Father and the Son.... Praise Father and the Son...
Praise Father, Son, and

Holy Ghost...

Friday, September 19, 2008

Dum Spiro, Spero

Breathing is an involuntary function. We don’t dwell on it, seldom acknowledge it, and rarely ponder it. Something so detrimental we subconsciously discredit until it is compromised.

Breathe in.


Breathe out.

It is truly amazing to me how our God created our bodies to essentially take care of themselves. Of course Christ gives us breath (a constant gift, given His will). He crafted our bodies to do crucial, life-sustaining things (to say the least); things that work in unison, so seamlessly, to allow us life…and our bodies dance to this melodic blend that hums a tune of our Father’s benevolent grace.

Breathe in.


H o l d i t.

The absence of air disturbs this harmony. It is in this void, a tiny hiccup in time, we consciously highlight its necessity.

Breathe out.

My husband, Mitch, has unfortunately had some hiccups in his battle with leukemia (these hiccups aren’t pertaining to the ceasing of breath, but glitches in treatment). One of these snafus are his lungs.

Now I am one lucky bride and I can say I know my husband “inside and out…” literally. I had the astute pleasure to sit in on one of his bronchoscopies! Now, I can say that I am not a squeamish person, but when it comes to my Mitch this stoic quality flies out the window!

From this experience I got to see the miracle that is my husband on a whole new plane. I am a proud wife of a man totting a ravishing set of lungs!

…Unfortunately looks can be deceiving…

He has been quarreling with a rotten antagonist named pneumonia. This arch nemesis has plagued him for months, and has been the culprit for Mitch’s “hiccups in treatment.”

As of late he has had more labored effort in grasping the air that we seem to acquire so easily. But he, being the strong, determined, godly man that he is “resigns in hope,” leaning heavily onto the brilliant Creator of the air that we graciously borrow. Pressing forward, Mitch continues to astound doctors with his resilience. (Please continue to pray with us for a miracle! We are forever thankful beyond words!)

Dum spiro, spero,,,While I breathe, I hope…

There are so many captivating, inspiring, and exquisite attributes that I love and admire about my handsome groom, but the most arresting is his faith. His faith (that is anchored in hope at seas of turmoil) voyages elegantly through life, sailcloth billowing with the breath of hope… all the while the Lord at the helm.

Through trial and tribulation Mitch astounds me. His constant compassion perseveres with no prejudice of his own circumstance or familiarity to the blessed person that encounters it. His selfless regard always prompts him to pray for others before himself. And his tender concern for the kingdom is perpetually transcendent of his own condition. With every breath he praises the Lord. And “while (he) breathe(s), (he) hopes.”

Now, while looking at this Latin phrase (Dum spiro, spero), I can’t help but think that the quaint word “spero” resembles the English word sparrow. How beautiful is the fluttering sparrow that seems so carefree and lackadaisical as it perfects its purpose…to soar…defy gravity…live in the heights of hope.

This reminds me:

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul.
And sings the tune
Without the words,
and never stops at all.
- Emily Dickinson

Perching so perfectly, clothed in beauty, the bird “resignes in hope” and ascends. Our Abba Father tells us to “look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet (I) feed them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” (Matthew 6:26).

I hope we would respond with a resounding, “YES!”

Thursday, September 18, 2008

I Carry Your Heart

I Carry Your Heart With Me by E. E. Cummings

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in
my heart)
I am never without it (anywhere
I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)
I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)
Love is an astounding thing. In reality it's not a "thing" at all. Love isn't something that we acquire by force, trade or borrow; it's an action, a beautiful gift, an unconditional emotion.

You cannot barter love, you cannot it's finest form...just is. It is a cycle of life ebbing and flowing from relationship to relationship but ever the same fueling the heart. It is immeasurable. It grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide.

I have learned (from valuable experience) that love, sacrificial love, is a beautiful blessing given from our Father. He desires to show us pure godly love, tangibly, through relationships here. I have felt such wonderful love from so many people. My husband, of course, is one of the most fantastic source of this. My family and friends are another. As my beautiful sister Charese shared with me, there are no boundaries to family. Blood is not an obstacle. I pray that everyone can feel such a welcoming, unconditional, unbridled love as I get to experience. I am spoiled!

Give thanks to the God of gods. His love endures forever. - Psalm 136:2

I have witnessed the bond of marriage drastically influencing the proverbial line in the sand amongst biological separation of God's children. My biological family is on a slightly different plane spiritually than my wedded family is. Through the love of the Lord influence has been delightfully made with all involved. My dad frequently quotes my amazing brother, Sam. He has gleaned so much of the Lord's goodness through what Sam has openly shared publicly, and holds them dear as truth to characterizing "The Man Upstairs." It has been incredible to see two worlds merge as one blessed family. I am SO spoiled!

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. - Psalm 13:5
I have discovered that love between spouses is the ordination of the Lord. I have wondered for years why I hadn't met the man of my dreams. I have wondered why I endured heartache after heartache all ending in similar demise. I have wondered why Mitch and I have been friends for almost a decade and I hadn't realized that he was that person I had been searching for. All of these questions, petty in reflection, are irrelevant yet entirely indicative of the Lord's divine intervention of our hearts and emotions.

Girls and guys alike: Know that God is above your emotions. He is sovereign over your heart's cries. He is empathetic of their groans. He cares. He hears you. (He) knows the way that (you) take; when He has tested (you), (you) will come forth as gold - Job 23:10. I, for years, thought that I could never find a person that loves me unconditionally, when had him under my nose for so long. I am confident in the fact that the Lord was protecting our hearts for unveiled love that could bloom to utmost potential. I had to have some experiences in order to fully appreciate the beauty of my relationship with Mitch. The very insecurities that I developed throughout my life have been addressed and obliterated byway of our Father working through my husband. We have both been tested and refined (continually) to someday become gold.

Be still and know...Stand firm in the fact that the Lord of lords knows your heart's desires intimately. His way is always unfathomably greater than our mind's elaborate schemes. I AM SO SPOILED!

I love the song by A Fine Frenzy, called " You Picked Me." It is a simple song that embodies how special we can feel when that special someone picks us. It's how I feel with Mitch. It also eloquently embodies the fact that God chooses us even when the world turns away.

One, two, three
Counting out the signs we see
The tall buildings
Fading in the distance
Only dots on a map
Four, five, six
The two of us a perfect fit
You're all mine, all mine

And all I can say
Is you blow me away

Like an apple on a tree
Hiding out behind the leaves
I was difficult to reach
But you picked me
Like a shell upon a beach
Just another pretty piece
I was difficult to see
But you picked me
Yeah you picked me

So softly
Rain against the windows
And the strong coffee
Warming up my fingers
In this fisherman's house
You got me
Searched the sand
And climbed the tree
And brought me back down

And all I can say
Is you blow me away

Like an apple on a tree
Hiding out behind the leaves
I was difficult to reach
But you picked me
Like a shell upon a beach
Just another pretty piece
I was difficult to see
But you picked me
Yeah you picked me


Rich in blessings I find myself smothered in beautiful peace given... an undeserved, divine gift.

At 23 I have found immense amounts of love and friendship. Consequently, this unconditional love I have experienced reflects that of our Abba Father's love; His steadfast love that never fails.

I seek our Lord's heart because he pursues mine... The great hound of Heaven... He has bestowed upon me the most handsome blessing I have ever been entrusted with, my husband Mitch.

The gentle heart of this man mirrors the compassion of our heavenly romancer. He is my best friend, my confidant, my hero, my partner in crime.

Our marriage is a divine appointment ordained by the Lord. Together we desire to serve others (and the one who gave us breath) while drinking up each day, slurping up every savory sunset.

He is currently battling AML. It has been an arduous journey, but one of many miracles. We are in constant prayer for his healing and find confidence in our Lord... "but if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently" Romans 8:25. I can be patient, I am also hopeful! God is good and He is holding Mitch through this refining battle! Please continue to pray with us! Thank you!

I currently study Elementary Education and Special Education at EWU. I work with the youth at Timberview (which I love and cherish)! I am a proud employee of the comfy, homey, inviting Service Station cafe. I am a sister to my beautiful Hannah and brother-in-law, Jeremiah. I am a aunt to my baby peanut-still-in-the-oven-nephew, Levi. I am a daughter to my fantastic parents Marty and Karen. And I am an in-law to the most WONDERFUL family, the Thomas'(all to which I am extremely thankful for down to all the beautiful little gippers)!

My passion lies in social justice, particularly pertaining to children. Kids are the pulse to my servant heart (my active pursuit to obtain and exemplify a true servant's heart). Their pure faith in the inherent "potential goodness" of the world is utterly inspiring. I have a deeply embedded fight to preserve this quality.

I have no idea what life will look like in a year. Nor do I necessarily want to have it mapped out before us. I am excited; I am anxious in anticipation; I have butterflies blundering in my stomach just waiting for our future and what it has in store for us! Missions work? Teaching? Travel? For now I will simply try to enjoy each day as it comes! And we will simply try to be, as Langston Hughes states: "Walkers with the Dawn"...

Being walkers with the dawn and morning,But
Walkers with the sun and morning,
We are not afraid of night,
Nor days of gloom,
Nor darkness--
Being walkers with the sun and morning.