I have so many goals, desires, wishes, and dreams fluttering in my mind from fantastic conversations over warm embraces with my husband. I am withdrawn from them, but I am not at all without. God is good, he has a plan beyond pain, beyond grief, and beyond our worldly desires!
The Lord has blessed me with the most impeccable relationship I have ever known. Intricate, deep, insatiable… Now I navigate rapids without him. But God is good. He has a plan. He has a detailed, full, important itinerary for me. Just me… And individually you... Sometimes I seem to hate that, feel guilty of that, this, now. I must keep moving. Not away from Mitch, but with his memory in mind, hurt with the loss of promise.
I love him, I always will. My best friend, my confidante, my love, my protector, my provider; he is not mine, he never was. He was me, and I him. But the Lord stamped him with His seal, His ownership sticker on the dustcover of Mitch’s novel life. And what a beautiful story it is; my personal favorite that I will reread constantly. Anxiously I await an anticipated sequel written in the world of our reuniting. I feel beyond blessed to be apart of this story! What an honor. And the Lord designed it this way, for reasons I will not know on this side of eternity.
So here, with sadness and angst I contemplate goals. Nauseous with rivaled bitterness and fear I am disgusted with my fragile, yet persistent existence. For a reason I live. And I find gratitude in God's grace of it all, and joy in his beautiful promises! Through it my heart must find meaning. Not self-contrived meaning; an eternal purpose that affects the heavenly realms… A lasting effect that penetrates kingdom walls. (This latter excerpt seems quite depressed, forlorn and void of God’s thumb print on my life. It is merely a candid reflection of how my heart aches on in a whole facet of ways. Separate from my sadness is a deep, almost delightfully aching, washing of joy and gratitude. If, by any chance, someone that is experiencing loss of any kind is reading this I want them to know its o.k. to be sad, confused, and riddled with sporadic and spontaneous moments of verbal overflow. It is not to say that I don’t always acknowledge that God is good and above my emotions!)
Mitch's kind heart inspires me daily. He gave the time he was given to those around him... without ulterior motives... without desire of reciprocation... without pride... I'm blessed to know such an amazing example. I am proud. I would love to be more like him, as well as (as Mitch desired too!) more like HIM.
Sincere eyes frame Mitch’s genuine heart’s cry, “for the good of the Kingdom.” That is our Abba Father’s genuine selfless perpetuating will for our eternal mind’s eye, and urgent pursuit of our hearts. I want to live on the same motivation. Feasting on the substantial goodness of uniting souls with our Daddy!
Dare alla luce… Such a beautiful, eloquent phrase. Italian for “giving birth,” translates as "to give to the light.” Brilliant. I would like to offer this phrase to our Savior as well. He is the light. I want to give to Him. Joyfully labor (an oxymoron in juxtaposition, but a seamless bond in Jehovah-Rofe) kind under His benevolent guidance, birthing His will into this world in the presence of His glorious, warm, illumination.
... GIVE THIS TO THE LIGHT ...
... AND SO MUCH MORE...
Despite circumstances we can seek joy in the Lord... He will provide the dreams to our future. God has an intricate agenda for all of us. It is not at all a rigid list that we must check off, but a fluid, full, free screenplay that provides for enjoyment, fulfillment, and purpose. How sweet and brilliant He castes our roles, molds our characters but gives us freedom, choice, individuality. By no means are we puppets! We are not mindless drones! God directs our paths and allows for us to find happiness, joy, excitement. What a gift. Amidst it all He loves us individually and pursues to know each of us while refining us for the role of our lives. Living for Him and loving His people!